Saturday, December 29, 2012

Never No More

Never No More

I loved you more than I loved me
When we were together
We were the best WE that there could be...
And ever was
But now I must re-channel and redirect
All the energy that I put into us
That self neglect
Back into me
Back on me
For if I don't
As you ATTEMPT to continue to break me
Fail me
So selfishly
I will not recognize me
Transforming into a shadow of my former self
I become bitter and angry
Full of self doubt and regret
For ME has turned into you
Hell bent on forcing karma to do unto you
To lie
Violate by cheating
All the drama
You are now rendered helpless while I screw
Every dude that looks my way
Flashes a smile
Compliments me or gives me the time of day
As I convince myself:
"What the hell, he didn't care anyway!"

Yes I must not concentrate on you
Nor on doing like you
Focused now on getting my head right
Traveling light while I leave all the baggage behind
For life may have not been so rosy and kind
But I am here, my Dear
And no longer blind

Written Dec 28, 2012
By Kesh

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Cologne & Sweat Smelled Sheets

Cologne & Sweat Smelled Sheets

Strong, brave, handsome with charm
Never violating
Never denigrating
Would do me no harm
Oh, how I want to snuggle in your manliness!
Smelling your scent
You are spent
The mixture of cologne and sweat covers the sheets
As an invisible barrier of protection
Like the rubber to the glove
Fits nicely over your erection
You whisper sweet nothings and yet nothing is sweet
About how you toss my legs in the air
Like they are weightless
You just don't care
I lie on my back as you stand by the foot of the bed
And my bottom gets a beating
From an attack
Of your sack
Oh, how I love that!
And yet...
You turn me around and hit it from the back
Over & over
Head bobbing
A$$ vibrating
Bed knocking against the bedroom wall
Good thing there are no neighbors,
Or they would know your name after all
As your third leg stands tall
Shrouded by the warmth of my cave
I become your slave
As I desperately crave
And we both -
The explosion of nectar that seeps out of you
And into me
You being the accommodator
And I the obligee
As we both enjoy this unadulterated reality
Which feels more like a fantasy
Of some sorts...
And we retreat back to the manly cologne & sweat smelled sheets
Lying intertwined in each others legs and arms
While you get your Exxon on
Filling up
Before we go another round

Written Dec 28, 2012
by Kesh

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Holiday Feelings

Holiday Feelings

Christmas just isn't Christmas
With YOU here with me
I'm laying face down
Covered in tears
From lack of love
As a rejectee

Even despite all the backstabbing
My heart still remains true
As it has feelings for you
No matter what you seem to do

"Dumb a$$"

I hate that I love you
I never thought I'd hate that I care
Feeling way too sentimental
On the contrary, I just can't seem to bear

The thought of looking at you
As my memories go to exactly this day a year before
You presented me with a ring in church
The love for me filled your eyes so much more

But now not even mistletoe
Can make you come close to me
As if I really broke YOUR heart
The keeper of mine:
You were such a unworthy trustee

Do I hate you?
This is certain and true
Weary form being angry
As my resentment continues to stew

Do I love you?
This is most confusing to me
As you can't be trusted with sh$t I own:
My heart, time, body, secrets and my money

I aspire to be far away from you
A distant memory
Of good and bad choices made
Instincts ignored
My being is dying to be free

From the one who stole years from my life
Premeditatedly feeding me lies
I look forward to the prosperous year
When you will no longer be in my life

"From my heart to God's gracious ears,"
That's my outcry
I am pleading and begging for the courage to move on
For I now see that our time together
Was way too long
This realization comes with a sigh

I did myself an injustice
By continuously giving you time
Time to straighten up
Time to MAN up
But all you did was climb...

Ascend the highest ranks of dog-ism
The pinnacle of lowdown whore-ism
I allowed you to graffiti my heart
Appointee vandalism

Now I am bitter and enraged
The angry black woman, not to be upstaged
By your unfounded disgust towards me
While anyone who knows us cannot clearly understand or see

What was once my favorite time of the year
Bearing happiness, has now turned blue
But I declare this new upcoming year
To focus on goals that to thine self renew:

Bringing back my life to independence
As it was in the years that have passed
Before I agreed to go knee deep and head first
Putting my intuition last

I take the pain you managed to bring
And convert it into strength incessantly
Transforming me into a woman
Much better than before
That will forever remain as me

Written by Kesh
Dec 25, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Rise of the Phoenix

Every day that goes by puts me closer to the day I will no longer be with you
Not the Mayan calendar prediction ending
But because we are through

The Rise of the Phoenix

I would be in denial if I were to believe that we could make it
And be the couple I always wanted us to be
But you found another
And have been with her "mentally"
"Ph-yis-cal-ly" and
No longer was it about we
You and me
But about your secret love
The one you turned away from me because of 
You smirked at my tears 
As you felt yourself way too much
She became your world
As you began treating the whore like your main girl

You're no real player
Just a clown 
And the "scully" broad that you met at the zoo
She seems just right for you
While I thought you were working hard
You were smutting it up
All the while married
And acting single
So your subliminal wish is my command
"No no!"
"Don't thank me!"
Thanks will be you paying this seed support for YOUR child
Not acting like 
You are the victim
And I was blind
To the "love" you had for me
Dude please!
Tell it to those broads that you 
Converse to
After hours
When all is still, Boo
Make them believe you were the best I could do
What's funny is you don't even believe that to be true

So I long for the day that's approaching ahead
It's like the 4x400 race 
And I am running anchor
I see the finish line 
As my legs are slowly giving away
Feeling like lead
It has been a long and hard road
But I am not dead
I see the end
All who love me cheering me on
Huge smiles on their faces
Although it took so long
They know what it took for me to get here
How I almost didn't make it here
Gave up
Towel thrown
The glimmer in my eyes all but gone
It's a new day
I'd rather be alone than to be with you on my best day
For me that would be my worse day
And life is way too short
For any more of those
The race is done
My spirit and strength have won
This Phoenix has risen past the horizon
And life will have meaning for me once again

Written by Kesh
Dec 12, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Our World

When I am with you
I forget all there is to know...
That normally waits for no one
Suddenly stands still
All my inhibitions
Are thrown out the window
And I am free
Free to soar the horizons
Free as a bird without a care at all
My emotions are high
And everything is...
We're in our own world
Where flowers don't die
And vibrant red roses exude a smell so sweet!

In our world
The sun always shines
The grass is always green
And the waters' always blue

In our world
Hurt and pain do not exist
Life makes us smile
And love makes our heart sing a tune
That only great joy can bring

At night
Our world is surrounded by a starlit sky
Mr. Moon and Mr. Sandman dance the jig together
As we are nestled in each other's arms
Ready to begin another day
Only in our world

Written by Kesh
- November 21, 2004

(c) 2004-2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Tears of the Brokenhearted

The tears that I cry are for what once was
As well as for what is
I once lived unselfishly
But now it is about me
I cry buckets for myself
The time I wasted
The love I foolishly gave
The essence of my being
It was not just in the throws of passion
It was because of you
Once my sweetheart
Is now nothing but a bitter tart
Oh how I wish I could spit you out
And walk away
As you are left on the ground cracked and broken
Like you have left my heart

Written by Kesh
-December 6, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Invisible Me

You never seem to look at me
Like glass
You look right through me
I dare you to understand me
But you never see me
I long for you to be me
To feel what it is like for me
To ache for you
To be the reason why you smile
Why you laugh
It has been a while
A long while
Because I am gone
Dead to you
You erased all the good that was us
And fed your mind the story you told the world
To reinforce why I should be invisible
Dead to you
How convincing are you?
Others morn for you
Feel sorry for you
Poor victim are you
You never disclose that you are untrue
For if you did
It wouldn't make sense for there to be
An invisible me

So my reality is filled with pain
Because I am tied to you
Yet I am invisible me
Dead to you
I began believing no one would see me
But he does
He sees me
My hips
My eyes
The way my hair lies
On each shoulder
I never noticed
But he noticed
And I grow bolder
I am happy once again
I am alive
He sees me
No longer am I invisible
I am me

Written Dec 12, 2012
by Kesh

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Sunday, December 9, 2012

My Deadbeat Dad

As a child, my biological father was not around. From my mother's account, I was told he disappeared from my life when I was 3-years old. I would often tell myself that he died in the Army (which he enrolled in), to keep from thinking that there was a possibility that he did not want anything more to do with me. I pictured his tomb stone, Karl Nelson Palmer 1955-1981...1982...1983...  but when I would get in trouble at home, he was the person I saw saving me from the punishment I knew was coming. I pictured him knocking on the door, him taking one look at me and holding me in his arms forever, but that day never came. Instead, at 18-years old, I took all the info I had on him, went in the computer lab at Baruch College (which I attended at the time), and was intent on locating him. From my mother, I knew he always wanted to live in Florida. Out of all the men listed with his name, I closed my eyes and said to myself that one of these men was him. When I opened them, I saw his same exact name with a Miramar, Florida address and I wrote down that number.

On my train ride home, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing? Why should I, as the child, have to find my parent? What sense does that make? Then I thought, maybe he was hurt in battle and had amnesia. He couldn't possibly be alive and well.

When I finally decided to call him, I was hoping no one picked up the phone. What do I do if someone does? Do I hang up? If I stay on the line, what do I say? "Hi, I'm Lakesha Palmer, and I am looking for my long-lost dad?" That sounds a little crazy, but it was the truth. I believe I finally said something similar to this when a woman picked up the phone. This woman, I found out later was his wife, and my dad...well, he was alive and well with two other biological children and a step-daughter whom he was around since she was 3. It is funny because me and this person was the same age!

What I remember most about the conversation was the lack of privacy my father and I had on the phone, as his wife was nearby and I could hear her in the background. I also remember his wife saying how when they won the lotto they were going to look for me. "Look for me?! Sh*t I wasn't lost!" My family lived in Brooklyn for YEARS! He knew my mom's family and as a parent, if he WANTED to "find" me, I would have been "found." Lotto...  I thought that was a crock, but here I am talking to the man I have wanted to speak to forever (since I don't remember much from when I was 3), so I was not about to 'screw it up' so to speak.

What really stuck out was the rude comments made from both his wife and step-daughter. Due to the dynamic of the relationship between my mother and my father, my mom's family was not pleased when they discovered she was about to be a mother. This woman,  his wife, who was not around and who's business she needed to mind, mentioned how my mother was not "strong" enough...I guess she was referring to my mom putting up with the talk from both his family and her own. This woman, who never walked a day in my mother's shoes as a young mother who ended up alone dealing with all the backlash, had the nerve to come out sideways from her mouth! Her daughter was no better. My father wanted me to speak to her and she said how she hoped I was who I said I was? "Seriously? Who are you again?" I thought to myself. A conversation between BLOOD became me trying to defend who I was and who my mother is. My father, later told me how she said this because there are family members who try to get his money. This, I also thought to myself was a crock and that she was a rude and spoiled b*tch, but I just listened to him as he explained he was well off and they didn't want him to be used. I thought it was quite funny, his wife mentioning my mother in that way and his step-daughter coming at me in that manner made me think they are the only ones worried about his dollar signs. When I saw their pictures, I realized how insecure they must be. Jealousy can run real deep when you are not aesthetically pleasing, not to mention, I am the biological so that must have struck a cord in their hearts somewhere. His wife made me think of how strong my mom really is. My mother, wasn't with a man who abandoned his biological child and played victim in her ear. She didn't run out and get an abortion as some wanted her to do. She dealt with the slings and arrows of being a young mother...ALONE, while he was shacking it up with someone and their child. Hmm...who's weak? And his STEP-daughter, well... while I was in school trying to get my Bachelor's degree and working part-time, she was not furthering her education, but did happen to find the time to have a young child of her own, party and ride around in a car MY father bought her (all this I learned from my father).

To fast forward, my boyfriend at the time took me on a trip to Florida. In Florida, he mentioned I should call him and meet him. I was shy and nervous, so I said I would wait until he comes to NY like he mentioned in our phone conversations (we ended up speaking a few times afterwards). I didn't want to impose and I surely didn't want to meet the dynamic duo which was his wife and step-daughter, but after much convincing from my boyfriend, I reluctantly called him. I hung up from that conversation knowing in my heart that he never really wanted to see me or get to know me, as he expressed. Upon telling him I was in Florida (Pompano Beach) he suggested we meet a day or two later, after he came home from work. "Huh?"  What man after not seeing your daughter in 15 or 16 years, does not just jump on the chance to see her right then and there?!  The sound of his voice when I said I was in the same state was not one of excitement and it confirmed, I was imposing; imposing on his happy life with his wife, his daughter, sons and young granddaughter.

 I cried my heart out that night while my boyfriend comforted me and apologized for talking me into calling him. He tried to make me feel better by telling me that my dad is weak and is probably "catching hell over there with his wife and her daughter," and how it probably stirred up his home life a bit when I contacted them. But it wasn't my fault! He helped make me! Why should I be neglected because he wants to  erase me?!  While they were sitting comfortable all those years, my mom struggled,  so why should I just disappear because he has a new family?!

 I thought about it long and hard, and decided that I refused to be a part of someone's life who does not want me in theirs. He must explain that to his maker come judgement day, but as far as me, I try to get over the pain, the rejection, and the abandonment the best way I can.

I wonder how other children in this situation feel and how do deadbeats sleep at night. What do they say that allows a WOMAN to think it is okay and end up being with this man who does not take care of his responsibility? How does HE accept Father's Day gifts from the children he makes afterwards, knowing there is a child out there without him as a father? Stupidity has never made sense to me, but I never stop asking why?

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Friday, December 7, 2012

Electronically Sprung

You have me on a digital high
Checking my messages 4 & 5 times
Anticipating the 'PING' that lets me know
I have been notified
It's typed and delivered
Now it's my turn to reply

I wonder what has got me like so
I always despised those glued to their phones
Thought they were thirsty
And rather desperate
And if they were around others:
Extremely inconsiderate
But I've become
A new member of the club

No longer do I snub those waiting for a response
As I now understand what it's like
To love the attention
From a long-distance man

We haven't been in contact for too long
As you found me among others
A connection that's now so strong
Neither distance or time can destroy this vibe
As we discover each other through words
And our minds collide
They make love to one another
For that's all we can do right now
Unless you grew wings
Or I grew wings
But that's something the universe would never allow

For now we eagerly await a response from the other
As we smile when it is read
Or maybe even blush
Looking around to see if someone notices
Then our fingers begin moving
Patting away a reply we hope brightens the others' day
A battle of flirtatiousness
We embark on right in plain view
Who would have knew
Our fondness has grew

And now our seduction progresses
How powerful it is!
The way words can affect the body
Just reading your lines
Has me craving you every time
And at night when I sleep
It's you and you alone
Who invades my dreams
Holding me captive
As you fulfill
And as you drill
And as I shrill
While we both spill
And then

"I am electronically sprung"
I think to myself
Tangled in a web of pixels
That causes reactions to my body
Rose-colored responses from my mind
Although I may feel foolish
It is a feeling I never want to end
This new pep in my step
As I race to my phone
Opening it before the ending of my ringtone
And it's all because of you
I am electronically sprung

Written by Kesh
Dec 7, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

All Alone

When I close my eyes
I am taken back
To a simpler time, I once thought was chaotic
To a carefree time, I once thought was constrained
To a time I once thought I was unloved...

But I can still smile
As I see that chocolate skin
That wide grin
Kissable lips that I oh so miss
As you tasted every part of me
Nook and cranny on me
Before we made ooh wee
In bliss that was you and me

I miss those strong arms
As you held me hostage in your embrace
I can't breathe as you suffocate me
With your unwavering desire
If I should die before I wake
I pray to the cum queen
My essence you would take

As you nestle your tongue inside my unyielding walls
A force that could not be beckoned with
As they surrender to this invasion
Snatching my mind and my body
I break down around your countenance
Glossy-lipped you come up for air

You put on the rag for your doo
And the fitted made just for you
And swag your manly a$$ out my door
Before I can say no more

As I open my eyes
I look around at the darkness
They adjust to the 2-bedroom
The 1.5 bath
The upstairs, the downstairs, the spaciousness
The silence
Silence in the day
Silence at night
And I realize
I am all alone

Written Nov 5, 2012

© 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Hardest Thing...

What is the hardest thing about love?

Is it falling head first into it? Eating, sleeping and dreaming of that one person that will seem to make all the troubles of your mundane life go away? Waking up and realizing that they are not lying next to you...yet? Contemplating and anticipating the day that you can finally call them your own?

You finally muster the courage to speak to your "love." You realize how much they intrigue every fiber inside of you. You want to know more, and dare to dream of them possessing all of the qualities that you desire. First date, second date, third date, KISS.  Oh, how wonderful it felt! No more just dreaming of him, now you have him ...your prince, your King.

Years later, after the craving has died and comfort arises, the anticipation of his presence turns to dread. The longing turns to regret. Was it so many bad memories that led to this feeling? When did this happen? Was it one immature mistake after another? Was it the lack of caring, respect, honesty that was shown after years of neglect, secrecy, and unfaithfulness? What do you do now? Do you give into all the naysayers who believed that your prince, your King, was no good for you? Do you admit you made a mistake...that you FAILED?

Or do you try and keep trying...if not for you, but for the life the two of you created? You give it your A-L-L, all that you know how.  You try to move forward, and yet and still...immaturity peeps in, opens the door and shows you that things have NOT changed. You are faced with one asinine situation after another. The realization that you cannot trust anyone becomes evident and you finally see, YOU ARE ALONE.

What is the hardest thing about love?

It is when you are with someone, yet alone. Solitude is not only existing without another physical being, but without arms to caress you when you are dejected; without someone who you know that without a shadow of a doubt you can trust with your heart, your secrets, your body, your love.

The hardest thing about love is when you realize that the person you have always loved is the one who's no longer there. There was no funeral for him because he is physical and yet, he is no longer human. Oh, he looks like your "love," talks like your "love," and when he allows you to get close enough, you realize he even smells like your "love," but he's not...I mean, how can he be? Your "love" would not disrespect you, beat you down, neglect you, hurt you, while throwing dirt on you, by being a flirt, with no control from a skirt, as you sit home trying to divert, his attention back to you because you are alert and really no one's fool. So you know...all this time your "love" thought he was being slick, you knew! You allowed him to f*ck your mind, time and time again telling you lies that just...never...really...made...any...sense. Yes, you knew...but you are still no fool.

The hardest thing about love is that you can unknowingly make such a terrible, time-consuming and costly mistake, as remaining with your faux "love," which keeps you from your "true love." One who will not take your love and devotion for granted. One who will understand you and give unto you as much as you are willing to pour unto him, for the cup of love between the two that is true will never be exhausted, depleted or depreciated. THAT is the love that you desire, that you deserve.

What is the hardest thing about love?

It is when you realize it is the one thing that you long for, but do not have and your "true love"...the one who you allowed to pass on by as you spent years waiting for the boy to become a man, could wait for you no more.

Written Dec 3, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved