NixRises: This Is My Life

NixRises: This Is My Life: I thirst for pain It lives in every word I write Every phrase I use My muse It forms a life of its own My story is home grown Repr...(read more and others at: http://nixrises.blogspot.com/)

NixRises: Invisible Me

NixRises: Invisible Me: You never seem to look at me Like glass You look right through me I dare you to understand me But you never see me I long for you to ...(read more at http://nixrises.blogspot.com/2012/12/invisible-me.html)

NixRises: Loaded Tongue

NixRises: Loaded Tongue: Sharp & fast Verbal warfare spewed to last To harm To hurt To break The concern for me you once showed Pseudo Fake Phony love O...

This Is My Life

I thirst for pain
It lives in every word I write
Every phrase I use
My muse
It forms a life of its own
My story is home grown
Reproduced and rhymed
Melancholy in tone
And yet...
This is my life

-August 17, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Image Source: Silent of Tears - EnglishClub

Beautiful Lies

I looked into your eyes
Your gaze took me by surprise
You whispered to me as you pulled back my hair
"I'm not at all like those other guys."
"How can I believe you?"  "Why?"
"I shouldn't need to verify,"
"But if you give me a chance, then you will see, I'll never make you cry."
"I'll remain faithful, always by your side."
"Your needs I will never deny"
"Everyone knows guys born in July, our purpose is to comply."
Over and over, you sang all a good guy would imply

But many a day I have cried
Emotionally you walked out of my life
Faithful, PLEASE!
You wouldn't know what it was if it spit phlegm right in your eye
When confronted by truth, you deny
I still lack a good reason why
I guess you blew a lot of smoke
My feelings were nothing more than a joke
While you were feeding me those beautiful lies

Written June 22, 2013
By Kesh

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Loaded Tongue

Sharp & fast
Verbal warfare spewed to last
To harm
To hurt
To break
The concern for me you once showed
Pseudo
Fake
Phony love
Occupied only to take
My time
My energy
Draining me of my spark
As I sit lonely crying in the dark
Asking all the "Who, What, When, Where's and Why's"
To everyone
And yet no one at all
Once on top
I slowly fall
To my figurative death
As I play over in my mind
The decisions I made
I rewind
I skip over the minimal good to those that remind
Remind me of why I am in this place
This space
My mind no longer will erase
The disgrace I feel as I
Replay your words
Boisterous and deadly
The loaded tongue of yours cocks back shooting actions that are
Just as powerful
Displaying your lack of integrity
And loyalty
To me and only me
Aren't I privileged to be in the presence of you
'Thoo'

You spit those words onto my face
Your saliva rolls down my eyelashes
My nose
Onto my mouth
Which attacks with a fierce comeback
But it's not enough
One after another you pound and pound
It's a sport you have played for years
Yet the field has changed
Or has it?
The evil lurking in you remains the same
Can't take the snake out of the grass
Or the devil out from Hell
I now know this all too well
And with your tongue well loaded
Waiting to strike again
I keep silent
Yet attack with my pen

Written by Kesh
-June 4, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Diary of an Unhappily Married Woman

Here are the inner thoughts of an unhappily married woman. After years of enduring abuse, she quietly sits down with herself, and reflects on the troubles in her life. A culmination of immature bull has led up to the writings from the Diary of an Unhappily Married Woman.
___

I stress the bills while you watch tv because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME
Laughing, "Hee Hee"
Out of mom's
It was all a G because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME
I'm a "bitch"
"Selfish"
Yet you benefited more than WE because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME
Thought you were fly
Willie style
On the sly
Tell me why?
Because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME

So spare me your claim to fame
While you maintain
All along
Your feelings remained
While you left me
And your blood
Darkness and rain
Stayed physically but mentally
You brought the pain
It's all the same

Too chicken shit to make it legal
And now I see though
Last name's the same
But you ride single
No more love
And for me
No more tingles
Like it was back in the day
Horseplay filled days
Better yet
Foreplay
When I was your girl
Your fiancee
Present day's in disarray
My current goal
To be a divorcee
Whoa!
That shit cray

So I breathe...

And I pause...

My bed is made
I'm in my drawers
Can't get up
It's not your fault
I tell myself
But my 'me'
Says it's on me
No gun to my head
Just verbal brutality spewed from he
Walking blindly through it all
I should of known better
Faith in man is like reading a 4-page letter
Grim fairy tale
I saw the signs
A smarter woman would have bailed
But I gave it my all
Now I'm left with the tail
From an ass...

"Hee Hee"
No!
"Hee Haw"
Such a snake in the grass
Focused on my sanity
As my mind tries to last
I know what he deserves
But it's not my justice to pass

But until then, I wait patiently

And when it comes...
Slap me TWICE if I'm not done!

-Written by Kesh
June 2, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Blinded Love

When you do not know your worth, you allow yourself to put up unnecessary pain and hurt from those closest to you. This dysfunction is prevalent among girls who never had a Father to give them
the love they deserve.  This happens to girls who come across that one guy who they believe is "the one." Years later, if they make it out of that damaged filled relationship, they are left scarred for life from putting all their trust in Blinded Love

You may not see all I've endured
Bruises long ago healed
Heart blackened from callous remarks
Wounded esteem
As was supposed to be of self
I shared with the unworthy
Allowing you to treat it
Shape it
And mold it
Like a freshly opened container of Play-Doh
Hard hands tugging
Smashing
Flattening
Dropping
Poking
Then discarding it
Like it never brought joy into your sorry a$$ life
Play-Doh
Me
I
Allowed YOU
To mix your pessimism
Hypocrisy
Cynicism
Raining on my humble parade.
You ask why I say "humble?"
Humble because all that I had, was appreciated, that is
Until YOU told me how bad I had it
I didn't know how used and unloved I was
Until YOU told me so
Should I thank you?
Well Dear, I will never know
If I were to take your word as THE WORD
I should kiss your feet
As you, who so unselfishly, put on your cape and "rescued" me
Truthfully
You just ended up hurting me
More than anyone else in my life

You may not see it all
Clouded
Warrant-less
Anger-filled bias judgment
That only allows you to see your good
Walking around with the arrogant "Wish a nigga would" pseudo swag
But the scale has fallen aside
As the bad spills out
Topples over
Spreads out wide
Crashes to the floor
Don't go !!!
Wait, there's more...

But I am too weak and strained to endure
Ongoing neglect
Blatant disrespect
Dying for you to officially be someone else's upset
Or better yet
Their rigged game of Russian Roulette
As you play with their life
Health
Sanity
And a little bit of wealth
While you act like you're the only game in town
I frown
As my high has come tumbling down
No longer am I mesmerized by the "good guy," "victim of circumstance" disguise
I failed the test
And go home to my sloppy seconds prize
You're far from a diamond in the rough
As I drive along
Built Ford tough
Down a road unplanned, but foolishly unanticipated
Good intentions, now hated
I live frustrated
Far from elated
But at times
I still smile
My joy will never be stolen
Faith unwavering
Living life favoring
Mentally preparing for the day
When WE will truly be no more


(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

True Love Is Dead

True Love Is Dead

Oh I think he likes me
He winks his eye, on the sly
Oh I think he likes me
He says he wants to replace my guy
Be my everything and all the man I'll ever need
Trying to see some skin, raunchy pictures
"Baby, please..."
He begs some more and I decline
Now I'm nothing but a tease
True love is dead
I thought he liked me
On to the next one
He can deceive

-May 9, 2013
Written by Kesh

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Subliminals

The eyes never lie...

I see you
The bond we share
Stronger than two tons of steel
Solid as a rock
No pseudo
Oh so real
I know how much you care
No words have to be said
For your eyes tell the story
Saying all that's unsaid
You watch me sashay
I seem to float around the room
I sense your eyes
Staring between my thighs
It is safe for me to assume
I know what you want
Where you want it
And how you want to do
And with my eyes I express
Just how badly
I want you too

Our connection is unmatched
Raw
Cannot be contained
There's no one to blame
You and I are one in the same
Natural love
That's the special bond we possess
Nothing less
Highly blessed
And tonight
We'll be panting the word:
"YES!"

But right now
We must play it cool
Maintain our composure
Be classy
Those are the rules
But I see you, my love
And I know you see me too
But until then
We'll tone it down until I say when
While we just enjoy the view

Written February 11, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

My Son, My World, My Love

My Son, My World, My Love





The joy in my life
My reason for breathing
For striving
For pressing on
After all that has gone wrong
You're not only my son, but you're my center
The stars, that is you
As your eyes brightly twinkle
Illuminating rooms from afar





My grayest skies are brightened as you chuckle
And then laugh
An infectious sound in you can be found
My love for you is boundless
Unconditional
Everlasting
Unwavering
And profound

It is deeper than the Mariana Trench
More intense than a touch from the sun itself
My son
My world
My love
How can I repay you for all you have given to me?
A reason for living
A divine purpose
The greatest gift God bestowed to me
I am beyond lucky
I am blessed
My devotion I express
As my undying love
I give to you
I guarantee

Written December 2012 (revised March 2013)

(c) 2012-2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Senses of a Lost Love

Aching feeling when I hear your voice
Imagining your lips moving, but I can no longer taste them
Nor can I smell your scent
I remember the strength
Of your arms around me
Heaven-sent
The protection I felt
Unimaginable
Alpha quality
100%
Neither space nor time can change what I feel
The respect
Adoration
Admiration
The love
Yes, I truly love this man
It didn't take distance and states to realize this
But mistakes
And circumstances
To thirst for that bliss
Knowing in my heart of hearts
That if I was again given the desires of my soul
To be united with you
By all senses
I will forever be true
Eternally
Man and wife
For I've had a taste of the bitter pill called "Life...
Without you"
It's Rotten
Tart
Disgusting
Harsh and sharp
Flavors I can't fathom to savor
Those I never want to experience again
Being without my greatest love
The one my mind sees as
My man

Written by Kesh
-Feb 22, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Pothole-Coated Road

Pothole-Coated Road

Twists & turns on a pothole-coated road
The goodyear's wearing thin
Such an unexpected roller coaster ride
What was to be a wondrous journey
Has my stomach upset
My face grim

I look around
There's no one beside me
Not a soul for my sight
Silence fills the air
The fog
Cotton ball thick on this night
And the chill...
It envelopes me
Like a heavy blanket of despair

I roll up the windows
As I travel slowly along
Cautiously moving forward
Prepared for any sudden moves
Daring the night to move
Wanting the night to move
Only then will I have company
Someone
Anyone
Instead of this nagging
Urking
Solitude

No music
No laughter
Dried tears creating a crusty face
I choke back the many more that want to fall
As fear builds up
Fear of the unknown
Fear of what lies ahead
On this
Pothole-coated
Fog surrounded
Darkness covered road

Written by Kesh
February 8, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Vernacular Strength

Vernacular Strength

From tragedy to triumph, I too shall rise
Mistaking my kindness for weakness?
Don't do it!
It's just a disguise
When I open my blouse
You'll see the 'K' on my chest
'K' is for Kick A$$ Female
With a fierce upper left
Only a tad bit physically
My hook's figuratively
Don't like to fight
But I may bite
My words will sting royally
Ends up killing you softly
Fugees
Roberta Flack
May give you a flashback
Maybe a heart attack
My words are far from whack
'Cause whatever I lack
I find, then bring it back
Subtract from the negative
Positively attack
But I'll just swing on back
Might even get side-tracked
Then I backtrack becoming the Fullback

As I...

Dodge and block the poison that's spewed
Talk is cheap
Haters are weak
Everyone knows how they do
Don't get angry
No need to argue
Cutting edge
This sword's my pledge
Now I must bid you "Adieu"
I'm through

By Kesh
Written January 28, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

You're My Man

Is it possible that you can develop deep feelings or perhaps even love someone you have never spoken to face to face? In today's changing times, we now have the privilege to develop and maintain relationships that not only span through distances far beyond acres and miles, but that last over the course of time.

You're My Man
I never thought I'd feel something so real
Deep adoration for someone I can not feel
I can't touch you or hold you or kiss you at night
Put your mind at ease while you are stroking me right
If I could have anything, I'd want to hold you so tight
As I show you, you're truly my man

You can't deny we are one in the same
Past relationships and failures show we were truly the blame
But we are learning from these and are yearning for love
Dying to give as much as receive
The full amount
Not, sort of
To respect, honor and cherish
All the qualities above
Nothing less for the one who's my man

But until then, I will just imagine and dream
Maybe reality's not as far off as it seems
For I will love you from afar
That shouldn't seem too bizarre
Because in our hearts, we are one
You're my man

Written Jan 8, 2013
by Kesh

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Soulmates

The lucky ones are those who get it right the first time around. Many of us will search a lifetime finding that special person who compliments our every being. When you finally meet this individual, there is no doubt in either of your minds that you two were truly meant to be.


Soulmates

It took 12,676 days for me to find you
But I have loved you for a million years
I yearned for the day we could be together
After our troubled pasts filled with tears

I am eager to embrace you, and have you hold me in your arms
As I feel your breath on my neck
The coldness, as the air mixes with your salvia, on my ear
The softness as you gently caress my face and tell me,
"I am finally here."

You are moved as I tell you, "I am yours."
You sweep me off my feet and glide me into our new room
In our new home
And you place me on our new bed
As you remove my clothes
And I hungrily remove yours
I have opened up so much to you
And now you will have my essence too
As you enter inside of me, I let out a sigh
A release as we become one
Better than before
Second to none
As our juices blend and we expend
All the energy we have stored up for all time
And at the drop of a dime
I am no longer lonely
Sad
Depressed
Unworthy
And unloved
I am fine
And my baby is fine
And he is truly and finally mine

Written Nov 18, 2012
by Kesh

(c) 2012-2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Letter To My Dad

Letter To My Dad - July 2005

Where is this place that men go?

When they don't want to be men no more

After promising devotion and professing love

They seem to be swallowed whole

Or sucked in an abyss

Never to be seen from or heard of again

After she begins carrying the life they created

"How convenient,"one might say

But I ask where is this place that men go

That has no telephones to call to say:

"Happy Birthday!"

No paper to write and ask "How are you doing?"

Or stamps for a 10 cent postcard

Just to say, "Hey!"

Where is this place that men go?

Where they feel no remorse or even shame

The Lord forgives the sins of man,

But will I?

Your biological

Your first-born

Your child

I too am able to forgive man's sins

But not from someone who's less than one

Where were you when I was sick?

What kept you from my many graduations?

Honor roll ceremonies?

Why weren't you there to ask my dates 20 questions?

Or to walk me down the aisle?

Why were you there to videotape YOUR grandchild's birth?

Fifty percent of me is unknown

And no one can give me a good reason why

So tell me

Where is this place that men go?

Where they can leave their seeds behind

Yet accept another woman and her child

The same age and same gender AS YOUR OWN

as your own?

What kind of person does that?

What kind of woman remains with someone who does that?

Two peas from the same rotten pod you might say

I'll agree to that with a nod

Is it really possible that people who do this

Believe they are going to "find" their child one day?

I wasn't the one lost

But you...

Who was missing from my life

Was

And will always be

Lost to me

And my newly created family

So dad, you can stay in your hiding place

With your wife and your kids

And remain unknown to me

Although the world says you should pay

Your "secret" will remain safe with me

When you meet the Lord

Maybe you can answer why you abandoned me

For another

To take care of another

But to me

You died in the Army

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Opposing Blues

Opposing Blues

Your blues are not like my blues
Yours, may last for a season
A light drizzle or some rain
Cold wind
It is all the same
Mild Northeaster keeping you inside
No fun and games today
Push the joy aside

My blues are all that and then some
Some black
Some purple
A lot of RED
I see red!
Wanting Father Nature dead
He controls the storms and plays with my head
As I am left seeking shelter
Feeling dread

Your blues are passing
For tomorrow when you awake,
The light will blind your eyes
But my eyes?
Well, my eyes are as dull as the grey skies - of course
The shimmer and gleam have died
My blues leave me constantly glassy-eyed
And teary-eyed
No longer am I
Googly-eyed
For my body has lacked the warmth from the sun
Not in flesh, but in spirit
The storm has won

Written Dec 2012
by Kesh

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved