Sunday, May 10, 2015

Dead To Me

Enamored from the start
Bright eyes
Chocolate skin
Blemish free
You convinced me you were the one for me
Muscular thighs
Legs that ran miles
Rubber to the ground
Cautious, like a lost puppy
Love can now be found
All your tales of woe
Made me want to protect
Your heart
Your mind
Your body
Your love
I vowed never to neglect
But little did I know you weren't there yet
And never would be
At least, not for me
Every lie
Every false alibi
Little did I know
It would kill a piece of me
Of my soul
Of my being
As you tossed yourself out into the world for the taking
The elder said you were a man in the making
But she falsified
As you lied
Wearing a mask of love was an excellent disguise
With every text
Every social declaration
Every email
Every list
Filled with names of your “friends”
But really your conquests
All the while
Remaining in an eyes-of-God vow
There comes a time
When the strongest person is made weak
The straw maintains it strength
As the back,
No longer tough like its physique,
Becomes damaged
Becomes broken
My time, energy
My love
Was stolen
Space taken
When you should have been replaced
In my anger
I've killed you a thousand times
Murdered your words
Those that promised to never hurt me


Stabbed your eyes
Those that looked me in mine

And lied

And lied

And lied

You cried
I cried
Then you lied some more


Burned your hands
Those that wiped away my tears
After you looked me in my eyes and lied
Promising to never hurt me


Visible to the naked eye
To the world you exist
But in my heart your tombstone rests

Written: May 19, 2014

(c) 2014-2015 NixRises All Rights Reserved


Friday, September 19, 2014

Being Me

Will you look for me?
As I move slowly through the storm
Will you wait for me?
As the rain comes
Will you be there?
With outstretched arms
Ready to enclose me tightly
Stifling my shivers
Keeping me nestled and warm
Will you love me?
With my tear-stained face
Laugh lines from smiles long faded away
Forehead plastered with wrinkles of worry
Happiness so out of place
Or will you fault me for being me?

-Sept 19, 2014
Written by Kesh

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Monday, June 16, 2014

What Is a "Real Man?" How Do We Women Know?

So I have decided to take a walk on the wild side by tackling an age old question that might spark a lot of negativity and controversy from those who either do not fit the bill or are nervous they do not fit the bill.  Let me first say that to those "real men," I applaud you to the ends of the Earth. We women are not easy creatures and it is easy for us all to fall prey to our negative emotions and therefore, act in a way that is out of character. Trust me, as a woman, I have been there. Negative acts or emotions does not make you any less than your mature side. The question is: "What do you do after you fall prey to your emotions?" What do you do after you succumb to a weakness? Is this an ongoing occurrence? How do you (question to the men) treat a woman (your girlfriend, your wife) in those cases?

I want to tackle these and other questions and get the opinion of others in an attempt to find out if there are "real men" out there or if it is a lost cause trying to find a man like our grandfathers know, those old school men who possessed certain qualities that screamed to a woman " I HAVE A MAN!" I'm not referring just the acts of chivalry, but also qualities like: honesty, loyalty, respect, logic, possessing an ongoing relationship with the Lord, cooking skills and above all else,  makes sure his woman is secure in every sense of the word, just to name a few.

Many female friends of mine are either with guys who some label as "losers;" guys who are selfishly methodical opportunist (you will meet those types later), pathological liars to themselves and others, abusive and just unforgiving hypocritical beings. I can count on one hand guys who have qualities that I prefer and it is sad; however, and call me optimistic, I still believe there are some "real men" out there.I'm sure I sound like the female character in any Disney fairy tale when I say this, but "There has to be! There just has to be some real men out there Mr. Scratch-n-sniff!" I am hoping the stats of those females in my circle, and extended circle, are wrong and that I can be the one to show them that "men" DO exist and are not just in the Harlequin books one may read.

What Is a "Real Man?"

Over the course of time, I asked a few of my female friends to tell me some qualities of "real men," and I received the following responses:
  • "A guy who can cook better than me."
  • "Real men are honest and loving."
  • "He can throw down in the bedroom!"
  • "He's Christian."
  • "A guy who is loyal, respectful, hard-working."
  • "A real man has a spiritual side, may not be overly religious but does have a relationship with the Lord."
  • "For God's sake, he is SANE!"
  • "Faithful and true."
  • "Protects his woman and children."
  • "Does not have PMS [pre-male syndrome]"
These were the majority of the answers I received and most contained some form of all of the above. As I posed the same question to myself, I must agree that some of the above are on my list as well. I am; however, somewhat flexible. For example, I can do without a guy who can "cook better than me," but should be open to learning together. Whether he can cook or not does not determine if he is a "real man," in my book, but it surely would be nice to come home to a meal that I have not slaved over. I totally agree with a man having qualities like honesty, an ongoing relationship with God, being protective of his family, loyalty, faithfulness, respectfulness and being hard-working. These are strong qualities that makes a male very attractive and worthy of the "real man" status. For me, being able to "throw down in the bedroom" also does not make or break who he is.  If he lacks that lion, 'king of the jungle' status, then that can be worked on as long as he does not have a weak ego. What I mean by that is, and I know of this personally, is that some guys feel less than such when a woman makes suggestions or requests new styles. Instead, they would rather continue the same, old boring way and then later try new things with some random chick on the side, you will meet this person later as well. He may even have the nerve to throw up in their woman's face how good the next female is when you know you were faking it NOT to bruise their sensitive ego for years because you were bored out of your mind. Seriously?!  Okay, I digressed. My whole point is that, for me, bedroom skills is at the bottom of my list.

For the most part, I consider myself easy to please. Am I easy,"no," but I do feel that some things are not worth dealing with relationship strife over. If I am secure in my relationship, he will be treated like the King he is; however, infidelity is a definite deal breaker! I ask certain questions in my relationship. If I get that vibe that something is amiss, I am that woman who will ask are you "screwing the next" on the side or if you want to continue what we have created. I will let you know you have no handcuffs on you so you are free to go, but if you tell me you want to stay I will be looking at your actions...all of them. If your actions don't match up, we have a problem. You WILL hear my mouth, that is...if I care enough. This goes into my "real man" status because for me, a "real man" would be on his "yay" or "nay" depending on how he really feels.

To this, I have often been told to not ask a question that I did not want the answer to. Looking back, I remember being told this from someone who always had something to hide. Honestly, I love honesty. It is freeing. And while it may hurt the others at times, it is worth it to everyone involved. I'd rather the truth over a beautiful lie any day of the week. I can thank a guy who tener cojones to tell me "I don't want to be with you," as opposed to one who acts like he does because he needs a place to stay or knows I'm a good mother.

My definition of a "real man" is one who knows these things. He will do his best to protect the hearts and feelings of those around him by maintaining his integrity so he is not in a position where he has to break a woman's heart or hurt her feelings, as in the case of infidelity. Now, while that sounds all good, some good guys may actually fall victim to a case of the oopsies. He goofed, he screwed up. While it breaks a woman's heart to learn her love has been unfaithful and dishonest, a "real man" will come clean because he was raised to "man up" and own his mistakes. He recognizes his responsibility to put it on the table, has an idea what he may face, but respects her enough to give her the choice of choosing if she would like to work it out. He makes a conscious effort to not repeat the behavior that caused his mate so much pain. Seeing her pain hurts him because he has a conscience.  A "real man" doesn't blame his mate for his indiscretions! Sheesh, we can barely get some guys to take out the garbage, therefore, we should NEVER be blamed for him giving his body part to another!

How Do We Women Know?

The lack of many solid examples in the circle of my female friends and my extended circles are disheartening; however, I believe that there are ways a woman will know if she has a "real man." I think the surefire way to tell is in how secure she feels in the relationship role. This goes back to the 'trust your gut' teachings we women were taught when it comes to relationships. This also goes back to what I mentioned earlier. A woman wants to be able to boast about her man if not outwardly, because there are haters out there, inwardly and she knows deep down she is his one and only. She wants to know that God-forbid if something happened to her, he will be able to hold it down and their children will not be eating McDonald's every night. She wants to trust that when he says he is going out with the guys, he will not do anything to betray her and come in with a sob story. A woman doesn't want to give up the security she had just to get with someone, have no security and realize he thinks that he "upgraded" her. That's ludicrous. She wants to know he will 'fight fair' and not go below the belt because he is mad. He will listen to her and genuinely feel remorseful for her pain. He will make efforts to rectify situations not just run on emotions and bump his gums.

A woman wants to know that she is his one and only. No other woman should get the perks that are reserved for the woman that shares his name. This is not to say that he cannot be a 'good guy' and help out those in need, but a real man must know the difference. Bottom-line, he shows he's a man! His actions will either make her feel secure in the relationship, or leave her questioning him on some "Are you sleeping with someone else?" Sounds familiar? A real man will leave his ego with his friends, and know that above all else, his wife is not his enemy but his partner and best friend. It is all in his actions. If he should stray, she will know because we are always watching! But to a real man, this is not a concern because he is always on point.

Image from

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Saturday, June 14, 2014

The Real Enemy

In our life, every choice we makes plants a seed of consequence. The key is always to choose logically and wisely and above all else, learn from your mistakes.Those are your lessons to break the circle of your pain.

Tears and pain
Anger that cannot be contained
Sanity unsuccessfully trying to maintain
I'm my own worse enemy

Negative emotions taking over
So easy to call
Can't find the love
That was to be there through it all
Outrage over my life
Power I turned over was my downfall

Trusted a man who should have not been
Now I remain broken
Life forcefully bent
Struggled to gain independence
Only to relinquish it
Now the key
Is just to own me
No longer will I be
My own worse enemy

Image from

- June 14, 2014
Written by Kesh

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Facebook Junkie No More!

What's it about Facebook that makes us join? Makes us download the app to all of our devices? Makes us check the darn things every hour, if not more, of the day?

Recently I noticed myself constantly checking my page. I would ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" Mind you, as I asked myself this life shattering question, I would continue scrolling down and see who got married, who got engaged, who broke up, where did so and so go on their 536th vacation of the year. Let's not forget to mention the subliminal messages in the form of rants of those "just keeping it real," the petitions for those who want to save the claws and paws of stray cats, and the fitness videos of my face friends working it out while they act as if they did not know their sweaty behinds would be featured on everyone's feed.

Is the Facebook obsession just based off of curiosity to keep up with the Joneses or is it the fuel for our jealous nature; the "let's see what they're doing so I can do better," and post it for the world? It seems it is all setup for a secret competition of some sorts. Are we Facebookers in competitions with those we didn't even know we were playing the game with?

So I decided to see if I could go one-week without loading up Facebook. You may think "One week is not long!" But for someone who was operating on automatic, checking every 10-15 minutes, this was a breakthrough. Not surprising, I completed my one-week, Facebook free. It was easy as I am not one to post random pics of myself with hashtags letting everyone know how bored I am or how much I ate today. I must admit I missed reading the postings of my thought-provoking friends. We all seem to have those one or two friends who share articles; thereby, getting everyone to chime in with their views. I love those friends of mine!

Am I happier knowing I don't have to rely on checking for who did what and went where? Honestly, I am. It let's me know that I am not controlled by an application that allows me to see into the directed lives of others all the while, making some well-to-do stranger who is off in the Caymen Islands, richer. My experience let's me know that I am not obsessed with Facebook and have the ability to not even care about what everyone is up to. From now on, I can dictate when I choose to view the feed and no longer need to operate on automatic, as I was doing before. I love bring in control of me!

Are you a Facebook junkie?

Image from

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Who Is This Man?

An occupied seat
Remote in his hand
Laughter coming from a smooth-talking man
As he gazes at an image other than his wife
Appearing on one of  his cell phones
That he holds tightly in his hand

Who is this man?

His wife leers at him
Wonders if her piercing eyes invisibly shooting the daggers that she imagines
Are flying from her heart into his soul
Wondering if he feels the pain
She holds back tears
Desperately needing to be consoled

Who is this man?

She remembers a once humbled guy
No real friends
He leaned on her 
He confided in her
And when he was done with her
He dogged her
Cheated on her
He became her monster
Eyes once colored in rose
All a blur

Who is this man?

The one now before her
Whose words are filled with venom
As he boasts about his paramour
Not caring about the water cascading from her eyes
The mucus oozing from her nose

Who is this man?

Who admits that he used her
As his hatred for her grows
The cockiness he shows
All the thoughts that were running through her head
All the worries felt for 19 years 
Painfully confirmed
Lessons now learned
A real love is what she yearned
But unfortunately she was burned

Who is this man?

Some may call him a devil
She calls him her mate
In some ways he may be deadweight
Her heart slowly deflates
Once her schoolmate
Became her teammate
Now nothing more than a roommate
Who lives to depreciate
Their union he desecrates
His accounts he fabricates
Which just indicates
In her heart, he should vacate
This marriage, they should terminate

Who is this man?

That no matter what he hisses
He still remains

Who is this man?

Some may call him a devil
Other men call him insane
But she calls him her mate
To her
It's all one in the same

Written by Kesh
February 13, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Monday, February 10, 2014

Lessons Learned

I'm living in darkness
My daily life there's no sun
Maybe it is because I allowed you back in my life
For you were the one

Who damaged me so
Now I sit and wonder
And I just don't know
My ardent nature may never know
How it feels, once again, to be loved
I gave that all up
I pushed
I shoved

Locked my true love out of my heart
Returned to you while believing you:
"A fresh start"
Wasn't that what you said?
I replay those lies
My heart palpitates
I thought I was feeling love
Nervousness about the change
Didn't realize my intuition was feeling dread

Subliminally trying to make me stop
Keep me from making a lifelong mistake
I cry
I cuss
My sanity now is at stake

I walk down an aisle
See the tulips, they're my fav
Can't remember why I am here
Every step closer
I'm scared
But act brave

The more I get near
I realize
All I had, I gave
Then I gaze upon my beautiful former self in the grave

Minimal worries in the world
Smile for everyone I met
That once was me
Until I came across you
You live to beset
Chaos follows you
Longest relationship filled with regret

I see that 17-year old with a wide smile
Not the me in the mirror
Wrinkles and gray-haired
Caused by stress
While you sit there telling yourself you are blameless

Wrong choices created tears
I guess the blame is really on me
Should have let your actions tell the story
Because your words were never brought forth truthfully

So now I face, this face
The old me is gone
Wide-eyed, wide smile I once had
I ignored the signs even when they were dead-on

The new me
The woman in me
Must be stronger
Stand taller
Punch harder
Be smarter
Than the former me ever was
For she can't fail any longer

Must do as strong does
Be unbreakable
Slightly sensitive but not teary-eyed
Ready for the unthinkable
Because a dude like you should have never been able
To make life for me so painful

Never again will I fall
Listen only to my mind
Not my heart
Because it is truly the smartest of us all

Written by Kesh
February 9, 2014
revised April 30, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved