I loved the you I thought I knew
The one I imagined being with me
Laughing, flirting, eyeing me
Yeah, that you
The you I opened up to
Gave my entire heart to
Just hoping one day I'd legitimately get yours too
The you I gave my body to
And in the midst of it all
You answer to her
Responded to her call
Told me to wake up
I heard you loud and clear
Stopped my lovemaking
You paused your lust aching
I heard it all
And right there
Crouched low
I kept the tears at bay
We continued
But I was never the same
My face I saved
Did you even notice?
Did you even care?
I was made privy to the skills you possess
Your whereabouts you would "finesse"
And when you finally left
Tears fell for what will never be
The guy I thought I knew
Never really existed for me

~July 21, 2017

Written by Kesh
(c) 2017 Nixrises All Rights Reserved

Dead To Me

Enamored from the start

Bright eyes

Chocolate skin

Blemish free

You convinced me you were the one for me

Muscular thighs

Legs that ran miles

Rubber to the ground

Cautious, like a lost puppy

Love can now be found

All your tales of woe

Made me want to protect

Your heart

Your mind

Your body

Your love

I vowed never to neglect

But little did I know you weren't there yet

And never would be

At least, not for me

Every lie

Every false alibi

Little did I know

It would kill a piece of me

Of my soul

Of my being

As you tossed yourself out into the world for the taking

The elder said you were a man in the making

But she falsified

As you lied

Wearing a mask of love was an excellent disguise

With every text

Every social declaration

Every email

Every list

Filled with names of your “friends”

But really your conquests

All the while

Remaining in an eyes-of-God vow

There comes a time

When the strongest person is made weak

The straw maintains it strength

As the back,

No longer tough like its physique,

Becomes damaged

Becomes broken

My time, energy

My love

Was stolen

Space taken

When you should have been replaced

In my anger

I've killed you a thousand times

Murdered your words

Those that promised to never hurt me

DEAD

Stabbed your eyes

Those that looked me in mine

And lied

And lied

And lied

You cried

I cried

Then you lied some more

DEAD

Burned your hands

Those that wiped away my tears

After you looked me in my eyes and lied

Promising to never hurt me

DEAD

Visible to the naked eye

To the world you exist
But in my heart your tombstone rests

Written: May 19, 2014

Kesh

(c) 2014-2015 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Image: http://www.thealitybites.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Tombstone_e9.jpg

Being Me

Will you look for me?

As I move slowly through the storm

Will you wait for me?

As the rain comes

Will you be there?

With outstretched arms

Ready to enclose me tightly

Stifling my shivers

Keeping me nestled and warm

Will you love me?

With my tear-stained face

Laugh lines from smiles long faded away

Forehead plastered with wrinkles of worry

Happiness so out of place

Or will you fault me for being me?

-Sept 19, 2014

Written by Kesh

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

A Man and His Word

Sometimes I vent
Sometimes I cry
My outlet is my computer
My words
They never lie
I trust those more than any man's reply
As they deny
And I sigh
Honesty in them
I never rely
They never comply
Lies just multiply
Their actions only signify
My need to enduringly say "Goodbye!"

Written by Kesh
February 8, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

And So It Will Be Done

I toss and I turn
Happiness from the sunshine to the pain of sunburn
My life
Filled with lessons unlearned
Promises to myself unkept
When will I learn?

I knew the truth for all the signs were there
Passive aggressive
How can life be so unfair?

So now I let loose pouring my heart out on screen
Typing with a fierceness
Never witnessed
Unseen
"Kesh, you've changed"
"How could you be so mean?"
Where was this concern when you were torturing me?
Guillotine

Piercing my spine
Stabbing my back
From the fealty you lack
Now I catch flack

"You should have known!"
"Are you surprised?"
Well, yes I am!
Shi*t, you held up a semi-permanent disguise

I patiently waited and thought you were done playing games
But true to form YOU emerged again
Now YOU remain the same

So where does that leave me?
Regret-filled and upset
Part of me still waiting for some sign that you neglect

TO GIVE ME

The decency
A real man would just have his slut bucket and let me be

But like a clown
You took your heart away but stick around
All the while bringing me down

Single in the streets
Married when it suits you
Like when you were broken down
Betrayed by your mom
Let down

Couldn't find a job after selling pizza
Big thumbs down

While I hustled every day on the streets of midtown
You were lowdown

Sucking tits from babes packing dildos to your moms house
Pie crust under her nails
Two plats under her weave filled with dust

Now you floss on the phone
"You got that good good," as you say
Creepmode Creek
Snake Street
Giving any broad stroking that ego the time of day

MAS effect
But I know you best as ADOG
Confused lil' boy from the hood playing leapfrog
No friends back then
Shy
Shadow-scared
Sheepdog
Scared to look twice
Strike first
Underdog

Now you the man
Who are you convincing them or you
That you finally can?
Telling everyone you made it happen
Nigga you drove a van!
Lovey dovey
Played me lovely
That was always your plan
Using my dream to brainwash your clan

"She always wanted to move"
"She wanted to leave"
Since when did you ever do what I wished
'Oh Noble Steed'

This suited you most
You had piss but no pot
Now this dude has it all
While I sit and rot

In a proverbial hell
2-bedroom jail for rent but no bail
Kesh is overdrawn
Now her sanity is up for sale

The weakest one of the bunch
'Game well played,' you prevail

THIS TIME

For he who finds a wife receives favor
You prosper only because of me
Once again you have the advantage
You're in the lead
Grand Prix

I lag behind
Gasping to make it through
Sputtering and lagging
I will have to make do

And when the game is over we will once again see
You fall
Downtrodden
Watch you turn to thee

Kicking that ole willy bobo
"I love my wife"
"I want my fam"
While your girlfriend of our entire marriage
Continuously
Reaps the benefits of the 'fun guy'
Trips on the sea

She can have ya though
Hershey kissed stains, once a week showering and all
YOU
A1 sauce, sugar daddy eared
YOU
Deed doing
YOU
Wanting sluts to get abortions while they're pregnant by
YOU
Still married at the time
Living with your mom
That's YOU
Sporting an expensive car thanks to me
That's YOU
Dummy you'd never be able to ride if you did all you were supposed to
Y'all can thank me later
But that's YOU
Feminine attitude having YOU
Twitter confessing YOU
Get mad when you even think I pulled a you on you
That's YOU
Always leaned on a woman
YOU
The one I gave up my everything for
YOU
The you who will cease to exist when my tears are finally avenged for, YOU
No more blessings for the undeserving
Self-proclaimed, single YOU
Karma will justly claim you when I'm gone
That will be YOU

Written by Kesh
February 8, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Image source: footage.shuttershock.com

This Is My Life

I thirst for pain
It lives in every word I write
Every phrase I use
My muse
It forms a life of its own
My story is home grown
Reproduced and rhymed
Melancholy in tone
And yet...
This is my life

-August 17, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Image Source: Silent of Tears - EnglishClub

Beautiful Lies

I looked into your eyes
Your gaze took me by surprise
You whispered to me as you pulled back my hair
"I'm not at all like those other guys."
"How can I believe you?"  "Why?"
"I shouldn't need to verify,"
"But if you give me a chance, then you will see, I'll never make you cry."
"I'll remain faithful, always by your side."
"Your needs I will never deny"
"Everyone knows guys born in July, our purpose is to comply."
Over and over, you sang all a good guy would imply

But many a day I have cried
Emotionally you walked out of my life
Faithful, PLEASE!
You wouldn't know what it was if it spit phlegm right in your eye
When confronted by truth, you deny
I still lack a good reason why
I guess you blew a lot of smoke
My feelings were nothing more than a joke
While you were feeding me those beautiful lies

Written June 22, 2013
By Kesh

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Diary of an Unhappily Married Woman

Here are the inner thoughts of an unhappily married woman. After years of enduring abuse, she quietly sits down with herself, and reflects on the troubles in her life. A culmination of immature bull has led up to the writings from the Diary of an Unhappily Married Woman.
___

I stress the bills while you watch tv because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME
Laughing, "Hee Hee"
Out of mom's
It was all a G because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME
I'm a "bitch"
"Selfish"
Yet you benefited more than WE because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME
Thought you were fly
Willie style
On the sly
Tell me why?
Because
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME

So spare me your claim to fame
While you maintain
All along
Your feelings remained
While you left me
And your blood
Darkness and rain
Stayed physically but mentally
You brought the pain
It's all the same

Too chicken shit to make it legal
And now I see though
Last name's the same
But you ride single
No more love
And for me
No more tingles
Like it was back in the day
Horseplay filled days
Better yet
Foreplay
When I was your girl
Your fiancee
Present day's in disarray
My current goal
To be a divorcee
Whoa!
That shit cray

So I breathe...

And I pause...

My bed is made
I'm in my drawers
Can't get up
It's not your fault
I tell myself
But my 'me'
Says it's on me
No gun to my head
Just verbal brutality spewed from he
Walking blindly through it all
I should of known better
Faith in man is like reading a 4-page letter
Grim fairy tale
I saw the signs
A smarter woman would have bailed
But I gave it my all
Now I'm left with the tail
From an ass...

"Hee Hee"
No!
"Hee Haw"
Such a snake in the grass
Focused on my sanity
As my mind tries to last
I know what he deserves
But it's not my justice to pass

But until then, I wait patiently

And when it comes...
Slap me TWICE if I'm not done!

-Written by Kesh
June 2, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

True Love Is Dead

True Love Is Dead

Oh I think he likes me
He winks his eye, on the sly
Oh I think he likes me
He says he wants to replace my guy
Be my everything and all the man I'll ever need
Trying to see some skin, raunchy pictures
"Baby, please..."
He begs some more and I decline
Now I'm nothing but a tease
True love is dead
I thought he liked me
On to the next one
He can deceive

-May 9, 2013
Written by Kesh

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Senses of a Lost Love

Aching feeling when I hear your voice
Imagining your lips moving, but I can no longer taste them
Nor can I smell your scent
I remember the strength
Of your arms around me
Heaven-sent
The protection I felt
Unimaginable
Alpha quality
100%
Neither space nor time can change what I feel
The respect
Adoration
Admiration
The love
Yes, I truly love this man
It didn't take distance and states to realize this
But mistakes
And circumstances
To thirst for that bliss
Knowing in my heart of hearts
That if I was again given the desires of my soul
To be united with you
By all senses
I will forever be true
Eternally
Man and wife
For I've had a taste of the bitter pill called "Life...
Without you"
It's Rotten
Tart
Disgusting
Harsh and sharp
Flavors I can't fathom to savor
Those I never want to experience again
Being without my greatest love
The one my mind sees as
My man

Written by Kesh
-Feb 22, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Pothole-Coated Road

Pothole-Coated Road

Twists & turns on a pothole-coated road
The goodyear's wearing thin
Such an unexpected roller coaster ride
What was to be a wondrous journey
Has my stomach upset
My face grim

I look around
There's no one beside me
Not a soul for my sight
Silence fills the air
The fog
Cotton ball thick on this night
And the chill...
It envelopes me
Like a heavy blanket of despair

I roll up the windows
As I travel slowly along
Cautiously moving forward
Prepared for any sudden moves
Daring the night to move
Wanting the night to move
Only then will I have company
Someone
Anyone
Instead of this nagging
Urking
Solitude

No music
No laughter
Dried tears creating a crusty face
I choke back the many more that want to fall
As fear builds up
Fear of the unknown
Fear of what lies ahead
On this
Pothole-coated
Fog surrounded
Darkness covered road

Written by Kesh
February 8, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Opposing Blues

Opposing Blues

Your blues are not like my blues
Yours, may last for a season
A light drizzle or some rain
Cold wind
It is all the same
Mild Northeaster keeping you inside
No fun and games today
Push the joy aside

My blues are all that and then some
Some black
Some purple
A lot of RED
I see red!
Wanting Father Nature dead
He controls the storms and plays with my head
As I am left seeking shelter
Feeling dread

Your blues are passing
For tomorrow when you awake,
The light will blind your eyes
But my eyes?
Well, my eyes are as dull as the grey skies - of course
The shimmer and gleam have died
My blues leave me constantly glassy-eyed
And teary-eyed
No longer am I
Googly-eyed
For my body has lacked the warmth from the sun
Not in flesh, but in spirit
The storm has won

Written Dec 2012
by Kesh

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Holiday Feelings

Holiday Feelings

Christmas just isn't Christmas
With YOU here with me
I'm laying face down
Covered in tears
From lack of love
As a rejectee

Even despite all the backstabbing
My heart still remains true
As it has feelings for you
No matter what you seem to do

"Dumb a$$"

I hate that I love you
I never thought I'd hate that I care
Feeling way too sentimental
On the contrary, I just can't seem to bear

The thought of looking at you
As my memories go to exactly this day a year before
You presented me with a ring in church
The love for me filled your eyes so much more

But now not even mistletoe
Can make you come close to me
As if I really broke YOUR heart
The keeper of mine:
You were such a unworthy trustee

Do I hate you?
YES
This is certain and true
Weary from being angry
As my resentment continues to stew

Do I love you?
YES
This is most confusing to me
As you can't be trusted with sh$t I own:
My heart, time, body, secrets and my money

I aspire to be far away from you
A distant memory
Of good and bad choices made
Instincts ignored
My being is dying to be free

From the one who stole years from my life
Premeditatedly feeding me lies
I look forward to the prosperous year
When you will no longer be in my life

"From my heart to God's gracious ears,"
That's my outcry
I am pleading and begging for the courage to move on
For I now see that our time together
Was way too long
This realization comes with a sigh

I did myself an injustice
By continuously giving you time
Time to straighten up
Time to MAN up
But all you did was climb...

Ascend the highest ranks of dog-ism
The pinnacle of lowdown whore-ism
I allowed you to graffiti my heart
Appointee vandalism

Now I am bitter and enraged
The angry black woman, not to be upstaged
By your unfounded disgust towards me
While anyone who knows us cannot clearly understand or see

What was once my favorite time of the year
Bearing happiness, has now turned blue
But I declare this new upcoming year
To focus on goals that to thine self renew:

Bringing back my life to independence
As it was in the years that have passed
Before I agreed to go knee deep and head first
Putting my intuition last

I take the pain you managed to bring
And convert it into strength incessantly
Transforming me into a woman
Much better than before
That will forever remain as me

Written by Kesh
Dec 25, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Tears of the Brokenhearted

The tears that I cry are for what once was
As well as for what is
I once lived unselfishly
But now it is about me
I cry buckets for myself
The time I wasted
The love I foolishly gave
The essence of my being
It was not just in the throws of passion
It was because of you
Once my sweetheart
Is now nothing but a bitter tart
Oh how I wish I could spit you out
And walk away
As you are left on the ground cracked and broken
Like you have left my heart

Written by Kesh
-December 6, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Invisible Me

You never seem to look at me
Like glass
You look right through me
I dare you to understand me
But you never see me
I long for you to be me
To feel what it is like for me
To ache for you
To be the reason why you smile
Why you laugh
It has been a while
A long while
Because I am gone
Dead to you
You erased all the good that was us
And fed your mind the story you told the world
To reinforce why I should be invisible
Dead to you
How convincing are you?
Others morn for you
Feel sorry for you
Poor victim are you
You never disclose that you are untrue
For if you did
It wouldn't make sense for there to be
An invisible me

So my reality is filled with pain
Because I am tied to you
Yet I am invisible me
Dead to you
I began believing no one would see me
But he does
He sees me
My hips
My eyes
The way my hair lies
On each shoulder
I never noticed
But he noticed
And I grow bolder
I am happy once again
I am alive
He sees me
No longer am I invisible
I am me

Written Dec 12, 2012
by Kesh

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

All Alone

When I close my eyes
I am taken back
To a simpler time, I once thought was chaotic
To a carefree time, I once thought was constrained
To a time I once thought I was unloved...

But I can still smile
As I see that chocolate skin
That wide grin
Kissable lips that I oh so miss
As you tasted every part of me
Nook and cranny on me
Before we made ooh wee
In bliss that was you and me

I miss those strong arms
As you held me hostage in your embrace
I can't breathe as you suffocate me
With your unwavering desire
If I should die before I wake
I pray to the cum queen
My essence you would take

As you nestle your tongue inside my unyielding walls
A force that could not be beckoned with
As they surrender to this invasion
Snatching my mind and my body
I break down around your countenance
Glossy-lipped you come up for air

You put on the rag for your doo
And the fitted made just for you
And swag your manly a$$ out my door
Before I can say no more

As I open my eyes
I look around at the darkness
They adjust to the 2-bedroom
The 1.5 bath
The upstairs, the downstairs, the spaciousness
The silence
Silence in the day
Silence at night
And I realize
I am all alone

-Kesh
Written Nov 5, 2012

© 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

The Hardest Thing...

What is the hardest thing about love?

Is it falling head first into it? Eating, sleeping and dreaming of that one person that will seem to make all the troubles of your mundane life go away? Waking up and realizing that they are not lying next to you...yet? Contemplating and anticipating the day that you can finally call them your own?

You finally muster the courage to speak to your "love." You realize how much they intrigue every fiber inside of you. You want to know more, and dare to dream of them possessing all of the qualities that you desire. First date, second date, third date, KISS.  Oh, how wonderful it felt! No more just dreaming of him, now you have him ...your prince, your King.

Years later, after the craving has died and comfort arises, the anticipation of his presence turns to dread. The longing turns to regret. Was it so many bad memories that led to this feeling? When did this happen? Was it one immature mistake after another? Was it the lack of caring, respect, honesty that was shown after years of neglect, secrecy, and unfaithfulness? What do you do now? Do you give into all the naysayers who believed that your prince, your King, was no good for you? Do you admit you made a mistake...that you FAILED?

Or do you try and keep trying...if not for you, but for the life the two of you created? You give it your A-L-L, all that you know how.  You try to move forward, and yet and still...immaturity peeps in, opens the door and shows you that things have NOT changed. You are faced with one asinine situation after another. The realization that you cannot trust anyone becomes evident and you finally see, YOU ARE ALONE.

What is the hardest thing about love?

It is when you are with someone, yet alone. Solitude is not only existing without another physical being, but without arms to caress you when you are dejected; without someone who you know that without a shadow of a doubt you can trust with your heart, your secrets, your body, your love.

The hardest thing about love is when you realize that the person you have always loved is the one who's no longer there. There was no funeral for him because he is physical and yet, he is no longer human. Oh, he looks like your "love," talks like your "love," and when he allows you to get close enough, you realize he even smells like your "love," but he's not...I mean, how can he be? Your "love" would not disrespect you, beat you down, neglect you, hurt you, while throwing dirt on you, by being a flirt, with no control from a skirt, as you sit home trying to divert, his attention back to you because you are alert and really no one's fool. So you know...all this time your "love" thought he was being slick, you knew! You allowed him to f*ck your mind, time and time again telling you lies that just...never...really...made...any...sense. Yes, you knew...but you are still no fool.

The hardest thing about love is that you can unknowingly make such a terrible, time-consuming and costly mistake, as remaining with your faux "love," which keeps you from your "true love." One who will not take your love and devotion for granted. One who will understand you and give unto you as much as you are willing to pour unto him, for the cup of love between the two that is true will never be exhausted, depleted or depreciated. THAT is the love that you desire, that you deserve.

What is the hardest thing about love?

It is when you realize it is the one thing that you long for, but do not have and your "true love"...the one who you allowed to pass on by as you spent years waiting for the boy to become a man, could wait for you no more.

-Kesh
Written Dec 3, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved