My Deadbeat Dad

As a child, my biological father was not around. From my mother's account, I was told he disappeared from my life when I was 3-years old. I would often tell myself that he died in the Army (which he enrolled in), to keep from thinking that there was a possibility that he did not want anything more to do with me. I pictured his tomb stone, Karl Nelson Palmer 1955-1981...1982...1983...  but when I would get in trouble at home, he was the person I saw saving me from the punishment I knew was coming. I pictured him knocking on the door, him taking one look at me and holding me in his arms forever, but that day never came. Instead, at 18-years old, I took all the info I had on him, went in the computer lab at Baruch College (which I attended at the time), and was intent on locating him. From my mother, I knew he always wanted to live in Florida. Out of all the men listed with his name, I closed my eyes and said to myself that one of these men was him. When I opened them, I saw his same exact name with a Miramar, Florida address and I wrote down that number.

On my train ride home, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing? Why should I, as the child, have to find my parent? What sense does that make? Then I thought, maybe he was hurt in battle and had amnesia. He couldn't possibly be alive and well.

When I finally decided to call him, I was hoping no one picked up the phone. What do I do if someone does? Do I hang up? If I stay on the line, what do I say? "Hi, I'm Lakesha Palmer, and I am looking for my long-lost dad?" That sounds a little crazy, but it was the truth. I believe I finally said something similar to this when a woman picked up the phone. This woman, I found out later was his wife, and my dad...well, he was alive and well with two other biological children and a step-daughter whom he was around since she was 3. It is funny because me and this person was the same age!

What I remember most about the conversation was the lack of privacy my father and I had on the phone, as his wife was nearby and I could hear her in the background. I also remember his wife saying how when they won the lotto they were going to look for me. "Look for me?! Sh*t I wasn't lost!" My family lived in Brooklyn for YEARS! He knew my mom's family and as a parent, if he WANTED to "find" me, I would have been "found." Lotto...  I thought that was a crock, but here I am talking to the man I have wanted to speak to forever (since I don't remember much from when I was 3), so I was not about to 'screw it up' so to speak.

What really stuck out was the rude comments made from both his wife and step-daughter. Due to the dynamic of the relationship between my mother and my father, my mom's family was not pleased when they discovered she was about to be a mother. This woman,  his wife, who was not around and who's business she needed to mind, mentioned how my mother was not "strong" enough...I guess she was referring to my mom putting up with the talk from both his family and her own. This woman, who never walked a day in my mother's shoes as a young mother who ended up alone dealing with all the backlash, had the nerve to come out sideways from her mouth! Her daughter was no better. My father wanted me to speak to her and she said how she hoped I was who I said I was? "Seriously? Who are you again?" I thought to myself. A conversation between BLOOD became me trying to defend who I was and who my mother is. My father, later told me how she said this because there are family members who try to get his money. This, I also thought to myself was a crock and that she was a rude and spoiled b*tch, but I just listened to him as he explained he was well off and they didn't want him to be used. I thought it was quite funny, his wife mentioning my mother in that way and his step-daughter coming at me in that manner made me think they are the only ones worried about his dollar signs. When I saw their pictures, I realized how insecure they must be. Jealousy can run real deep when you are not aesthetically pleasing, not to mention, I am the biological so that must have struck a cord in their hearts somewhere. His wife made me think of how strong my mom really is. My mother, wasn't with a man who abandoned his biological child and played victim in her ear. She didn't run out and get an abortion as some wanted her to do. She dealt with the slings and arrows of being a young mother...ALONE, while he was shacking it up with someone and their child. Hmm...who's weak? And his STEP-daughter, well... while I was in school trying to get my Bachelor's degree and working part-time, she was not furthering her education, but did happen to find the time to have a young child of her own, party and ride around in a car MY father bought her (all this I learned from my father).

To fast forward, my boyfriend at the time took me on a trip to Florida. In Florida, he mentioned I should call him and meet him. I was shy and nervous, so I said I would wait until he comes to NY like he mentioned in our phone conversations (we ended up speaking a few times afterwards). I didn't want to impose and I surely didn't want to meet the dynamic duo which was his wife and step-daughter, but after much convincing from my boyfriend, I reluctantly called him. I hung up from that conversation knowing in my heart that he never really wanted to see me or get to know me, as he expressed. Upon telling him I was in Florida (Pompano Beach) he suggested we meet a day or two later, after he came home from work. "Huh?"  What man after not seeing your daughter in 15 or 16 years, does not just jump on the chance to see her right then and there?!  The sound of his voice when I said I was in the same state was not one of excitement and it confirmed, I was imposing; imposing on his happy life with his wife, his daughter, sons and young granddaughter.

 I cried my heart out that night while my boyfriend comforted me and apologized for talking me into calling him. He tried to make me feel better by telling me that my dad is weak and is probably "catching hell over there with his wife and her daughter," and how it probably stirred up his home life a bit when I contacted them. But it wasn't my fault! He helped make me! Why should I be neglected because he wants to  erase me?!  While they were sitting comfortable all those years, my mom struggled,  so why should I just disappear because he has a new family?!

 I thought about it long and hard, and decided that I refused to be a part of someone's life who does not want me in theirs. He must explain that to his maker come judgement day, but as far as me, I try to get over the pain, the rejection, and the abandonment the best way I can.

I wonder how other children in this situation feel and how do deadbeats sleep at night. What do they say that allows a WOMAN to think it is okay and end up being with this man who does not take care of his responsibility? How does HE accept Father's Day gifts from the children he makes afterwards, knowing there is a child out there without him as a father? Stupidity has never made sense to me, but I never stop asking why?

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