The Real Enemy

In our life, every choice we makes plants a seed of consequence. The key is always to choose logically and wisely and above all else, learn from your mistakes.Those are your lessons to break the circle of your pain.

Tears and pain
Anger that cannot be contained
Sanity unsuccessfully trying to maintain
I'm my own worse enemy

Negative emotions taking over
So easy to call
Can't find the love
That was to be there through it all
Outrage over my life
Power I turned over was my downfall

Trusted a man who should have not been
Now I remain broken
Life forcefully bent
Struggled to gain independence
Only to relinquish it
Now the key
Is just to own me
No longer will I be
My own worse enemy

Image from savethemarriage.com

- June 14, 2014
Written by Kesh

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Lessons Learned

I'm living in darkness
My daily life there's no sun
Maybe it is because I allowed you back in my life
For you were the one

Who damaged me so
Now I sit and wonder
And I just don't know
My ardent nature may never know
How it feels, once again, to be loved
I gave that all up
I pushed
I shoved

Locked my true love out of my heart
Returned to you while believing you:
"A fresh start"
Wasn't that what you said?
I replay those lies
My heart palpitates
I thought I was feeling love
Nervousness about the change
Didn't realize my intuition was feeling dread

Subliminally trying to make me stop
Keep me from making a lifelong mistake
I cry
I cuss
My sanity now is at stake

I walk down an aisle
See the tulips, they're my fav
Can't remember why I am here
Every step closer
I'm scared
But act brave

The more I get near
I realize
All I had, I gave
Then I gaze upon my beautiful former self in the grave

Minimal worries in the world
Smile for everyone I met
That once was me
Until I came across you
You live to beset
Chaos follows you
Longest relationship filled with regret

I see that 17-year old with a wide smile
Bruise-less
Not the me in the mirror
Wrinkles and gray-haired
Caused by stress
While you sit there telling yourself you are blameless

Wrong choices created tears
I guess the blame is really on me
Should have let your actions tell the story
Because your words were never brought forth truthfully

So now I face, this face
The old me is gone
Wide-eyed, wide smile I once had
I ignored the signs even when they were dead-on

The new me
The woman in me
Must be stronger
Stand taller
Punch harder
Be smarter
Than the former me ever was
For she can't fail any longer

Must do as strong does
Be unbreakable
Slightly sensitive but not teary-eyed
Ready for the unthinkable
Because a dude like you should have never been able
To make life for me so painful

Never again will I fall
Listen only to my mind
Not my heart
Because it is truly the smartest of us all

Written by Kesh
February 9, 2014
revised April 30, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

NixRises: This Is My Life

NixRises: This Is My Life: I thirst for pain It lives in every word I write Every phrase I use My muse It forms a life of its own My story is home grown Repr...(read more and others at: http://nixrises.blogspot.com/)

Loaded Tongue

Sharp & fast
Verbal warfare spewed to last
To harm
To hurt
To break
The concern for me you once showed
Pseudo
Fake
Phony love
Occupied only to take
My time
My energy
Draining me of my spark
As I sit lonely crying in the dark
Asking all the "Who, What, When, Where's and Why's"
To everyone
And yet no one at all
Once on top
I slowly fall
To my figurative death
As I play over in my mind
The decisions I made
I rewind
I skip over the minimal good to those that remind
Remind me of why I am in this place
This space
My mind no longer will erase
The disgrace I feel as I
Replay your words
Boisterous and deadly
The loaded tongue of yours cocks back shooting actions that are
Just as powerful
Displaying your lack of integrity
And loyalty
To me and only me
Aren't I privileged to be in the presence of you
'Thoo'

You spit those words onto my face
Your saliva rolls down my eyelashes
My nose
Onto my mouth
Which attacks with a fierce comeback
But it's not enough
One after another you pound and pound
It's a sport you have played for years
Yet the field has changed
Or has it?
The evil lurking in you remains the same
Can't take the snake out of the grass
Or the devil out from Hell
I now know this all too well
And with your tongue well loaded
Waiting to strike again
I keep silent
Yet attack with my pen

Written by Kesh
-June 4, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Blinded Love

When you do not know your worth, you allow yourself to put up unnecessary pain and hurt from those closest to you. This dysfunction is prevalent among girls who never had a Father to give them
the love they deserve.  This happens to girls who come across that one guy who they believe is "the one." Years later, if they make it out of that damaged filled relationship, they are left scarred for life from putting all their trust in Blinded Love

You may not see all I've endured
Bruises long ago healed
Heart blackened from callous remarks
Wounded esteem
As was supposed to be of self
I shared with the unworthy
Allowing you to treat it
Shape it
And mold it
Like a freshly opened container of Play-Doh
Hard hands tugging
Smashing
Flattening
Dropping
Poking
Then discarding it
Like it never brought joy into your sorry a$$ life
Play-Doh
Me
I
Allowed YOU
To mix your pessimism
Hypocrisy
Cynicism
Raining on my humble parade.
You ask why I say "humble?"
Humble because all that I had, was appreciated, that is
Until YOU told me how bad I had it
I didn't know how used and unloved I was
Until YOU told me so
Should I thank you?
Well Dear, I will never know
If I were to take your word as THE WORD
I should kiss your feet
As you, who so unselfishly, put on your cape and "rescued" me
Truthfully
You just ended up hurting me
More than anyone else in my life

You may not see it all
Clouded
Warrant-less
Anger-filled bias judgment
That only allows you to see your good
Walking around with the arrogant "Wish a nigga would" pseudo swag
But the scale has fallen aside
As the bad spills out
Topples over
Spreads out wide
Crashes to the floor
Don't go !!!
Wait, there's more...

But I am too weak and strained to endure
Ongoing neglect
Blatant disrespect
Dying for you to officially be someone else's upset
Or better yet
Their rigged game of Russian Roulette
As you play with their life
Health
Sanity
And a little bit of wealth
While you act like you're the only game in town
I frown
As my high has come tumbling down
No longer am I mesmerized by the "good guy," "victim of circumstance" disguise
I failed the test
And go home to my sloppy seconds prize
You're far from a diamond in the rough
As I drive along
Built Ford tough
Down a road unplanned, but foolishly unanticipated
Good intentions, now hated
I live frustrated
Far from elated
But at times
I still smile
My joy will never be stolen
Faith unwavering
Living life favoring
Mentally preparing for the day
When WE will truly be no more


(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Vernacular Strength

Vernacular Strength

From tragedy to triumph, I too shall rise
Mistaking my kindness for weakness?
Don't do it!
It's just a disguise
When I open my blouse
You'll see the 'K' on my chest
'K' is for Kick A$$ Female
With a fierce upper left
Only a tad bit physically
My hook's figuratively
Don't like to fight
But I may bite
My words will sting royally
Ends up killing you softly
Fugees
Roberta Flack
May give you a flashback
Maybe a heart attack
My words are far from whack
'Cause whatever I lack
I find, then bring it back
Subtract from the negative
Positively attack
But I'll just swing on back
Might even get side-tracked
Then I backtrack becoming the Fullback

As I...

Dodge and block the poison that's spewed
Talk is cheap
Haters are weak
Everyone knows how they do
Don't get angry
No need to argue
Cutting edge
This sword's my pledge
Now I must bid you "Adieu"
I'm through

By Kesh
Written January 28, 2013

(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Never No More

Never No More

I loved you more than I loved me
When we were together
We were the best WE that there could be...
And ever was
But now I must re-channel and redirect
All the energy that I put into us
That self neglect
Back into me
Back on me
For if I don't
As you ATTEMPT to continue to break me
Fail me
So selfishly
I will not recognize me
Transforming into a shadow of my former self
I become bitter and angry
Full of self doubt and regret
For ME has turned into you
Hell bent on forcing karma to do unto you
To lie
Disrespect
Dishonor
Violate by cheating
All the drama
You are now rendered helpless while I screw
Every dude that looks my way
Flashes a smile
Compliments me or gives me the time of day
As I convince myself:
"What the hell, he didn't care anyway!"

Yes I must not concentrate on you
Nor on doing like you
Focused now on getting my head right
Traveling light while I leave all the baggage behind
For life may have not been so rosy and kind
But I am here, my Dear
And no longer blind

Written Dec 28, 2012
By Kesh


(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved

The Rise of the Phoenix

Every day that goes by puts me closer to the day I will no longer be with you

Not the Mayan calendar prediction ending

But because we are through


The Rise of the Phoenix

I would be in denial if I were to believe that we could make it

And be the couple I always wanted us to be

But you found another

And have been with her "mentally"

"Ph-yis-cal-ly" and

"E-mo-tion-al-ly"

No longer was it about we

You and me

But about your secret love

The one you turned away from me because of 

You smirked at my tears 

As you felt yourself way too much

She became your world

As you began treating the whore like your main girl

You're no real player

Just a clown 

And the "scully" broad that you met at the zoo

Funny

She seems just right for you

While I thought you were working hard

You were smutting it up

All the while married

And acting single

So your subliminal wish is my command

"No no!"

"Don't thank me!"

Thanks will be you paying this seed support for YOUR child

ON TIME

Not acting like 

Somehow

You are the victim

And I was blind

To the "love" you had for me

Dude please!

Tell it to those broads that you 

Converse to

After hours

When all is still, Boo

Make them believe you were the best I could do

What's funny is you don't even believe that to be true

So I long for the day that's approaching ahead

It's like the 4x400 race 

And I am running anchor

I see the finish line 

As my legs are slowly giving away

Feeling like lead

It has been a long and hard road

But I am not dead

I see the end

All who love me cheering me on

Huge smiles on their faces

Although it took so long

They know what it took for me to get here

How I almost didn't make it here

Gave up

Towel thrown

The glimmer in my eyes all but gone

B-U-T

It's a new day

I'd rather be alone than to be with you on my best day

For me that would be my worse day

And life is way too short

For any more of those

The race is done

My spirit and strength have won

This Phoenix has risen past the horizon

And life will have meaning for me once again

Written by Kesh

Dec 12, 2012

(c) 2012 NixRises All Rights Reserved