Monday, June 16, 2014

What Is a "Real Man?" How Do We Women Know?

So I have decided to take a walk on the wild side by tackling an age old question that might spark a lot of negativity and controversy from those who either do not fit the bill or are nervous they do not fit the bill.  Let me first say that to those "real men," I applaud you to the ends of the Earth. We women are not easy creatures and it is easy for us all to fall prey to our negative emotions and therefore, act in a way that is out of character. Trust me, as a woman, I have been there. Negative acts or emotions does not make you any less than your mature side. The question is: "What do you do after you fall prey to your emotions?" What do you do after you succumb to a weakness? Is this an ongoing occurrence? How do you (question to the men) treat a woman (your girlfriend, your wife) in those cases?

I want to tackle these and other questions and get the opinion of others in an attempt to find out if there are "real men" out there or if it is a lost cause trying to find a man like our grandfathers know, those old school men who possessed certain qualities that screamed to a woman " I HAVE A MAN!" I'm not referring just the acts of chivalry, but also qualities like: honesty, loyalty, respect, logic, possessing an ongoing relationship with the Lord, cooking skills and above all else,  makes sure his woman is secure in every sense of the word, just to name a few.

Many female friends of mine are either with guys who some label as "losers;" guys who are selfishly methodical opportunist (you will meet those types later), pathological liars to themselves and others, abusive and just unforgiving hypocritical beings. I can count on one hand guys who have qualities that I prefer and it is sad; however, and call me optimistic, I still believe there are some "real men" out there.I'm sure I sound like the female character in any Disney fairy tale when I say this, but "There has to be! There just has to be some real men out there Mr. Scratch-n-sniff!" I am hoping the stats of those females in my circle, and extended circle, are wrong and that I can be the one to show them that "men" DO exist and are not just in the Harlequin books one may read.

What Is a "Real Man?"

Over the course of time, I asked a few of my female friends to tell me some qualities of "real men," and I received the following responses:
  • "A guy who can cook better than me."
  • "Real men are honest and loving."
  • "He can throw down in the bedroom!"
  • "He's Christian."
  • "A guy who is loyal, respectful, hard-working."
  • "A real man has a spiritual side, may not be overly religious but does have a relationship with the Lord."
  • "For God's sake, he is SANE!"
  • "Faithful and true."
  • "Protects his woman and children."
  • "Does not have PMS [pre-male syndrome]"
These were the majority of the answers I received and most contained some form of all of the above. As I posed the same question to myself, I must agree that some of the above are on my list as well. I am; however, somewhat flexible. For example, I can do without a guy who can "cook better than me," but should be open to learning together. Whether he can cook or not does not determine if he is a "real man," in my book, but it surely would be nice to come home to a meal that I have not slaved over. I totally agree with a man having qualities like honesty, an ongoing relationship with God, being protective of his family, loyalty, faithfulness, respectfulness and being hard-working. These are strong qualities that makes a male very attractive and worthy of the "real man" status. For me, being able to "throw down in the bedroom" also does not make or break who he is.  If he lacks that lion, 'king of the jungle' status, then that can be worked on as long as he does not have a weak ego. What I mean by that is, and I know of this personally, is that some guys feel less than such when a woman makes suggestions or requests new styles. Instead, they would rather continue the same, old boring way and then later try new things with some random chick on the side, you will meet this person later as well. He may even have the nerve to throw up in their woman's face how good the next female is when you know you were faking it NOT to bruise their sensitive ego for years because you were bored out of your mind. Seriously?!  Okay, I digressed. My whole point is that, for me, bedroom skills is at the bottom of my list.

For the most part, I consider myself easy to please. Am I easy,"no," but I do feel that some things are not worth dealing with relationship strife over. If I am secure in my relationship, he will be treated like the King he is; however, infidelity is a definite deal breaker! I ask certain questions in my relationship. If I get that vibe that something is amiss, I am that woman who will ask are you "screwing the next" on the side or if you want to continue what we have created. I will let you know you have no handcuffs on you so you are free to go, but if you tell me you want to stay I will be looking at your actions...all of them. If your actions don't match up, we have a problem. You WILL hear my mouth, that is...if I care enough. This goes into my "real man" status because for me, a "real man" would be on his "yay" or "nay" depending on how he really feels.

To this, I have often been told to not ask a question that I did not want the answer to. Looking back, I remember being told this from someone who always had something to hide. Honestly, I love honesty. It is freeing. And while it may hurt the others at times, it is worth it to everyone involved. I'd rather the truth over a beautiful lie any day of the week. I can thank a guy who tener cojones to tell me "I don't want to be with you," as opposed to one who acts like he does because he needs a place to stay or knows I'm a good mother.

My definition of a "real man" is one who knows these things. He will do his best to protect the hearts and feelings of those around him by maintaining his integrity so he is not in a position where he has to break a woman's heart or hurt her feelings, as in the case of infidelity. Now, while that sounds all good, some good guys may actually fall victim to a case of the oopsies. He goofed, he screwed up. While it breaks a woman's heart to learn her love has been unfaithful and dishonest, a "real man" will come clean because he was raised to "man up" and own his mistakes. He recognizes his responsibility to put it on the table, has an idea what he may face, but respects her enough to give her the choice of choosing if she would like to work it out. He makes a conscious effort to not repeat the behavior that caused his mate so much pain. Seeing her pain hurts him because he has a conscience.  A "real man" doesn't blame his mate for his indiscretions! Sheesh, we can barely get some guys to take out the garbage, therefore, we should NEVER be blamed for him giving his body part to another!

How Do We Women Know?

The lack of many solid examples in the circle of my female friends and my extended circles are disheartening; however, I believe that there are ways a woman will know if she has a "real man." I think the surefire way to tell is in how secure she feels in the relationship role. This goes back to the 'trust your gut' teachings we women were taught when it comes to relationships. This also goes back to what I mentioned earlier. A woman wants to be able to boast about her man if not outwardly, because there are haters out there, inwardly and she knows deep down she is his one and only. She wants to know that God-forbid if something happened to her, he will be able to hold it down and their children will not be eating McDonald's every night. She wants to trust that when he says he is going out with the guys, he will not do anything to betray her and come in with a sob story. A woman doesn't want to give up the security she had just to get with someone, have no security and realize he thinks that he "upgraded" her. That's ludicrous. She wants to know he will 'fight fair' and not go below the belt because he is mad. He will listen to her and genuinely feel remorseful for her pain. He will make efforts to rectify situations not just run on emotions and bump his gums.

A woman wants to know that she is his one and only. No other woman should get the perks that are reserved for the woman that shares his name. This is not to say that he cannot be a 'good guy' and help out those in need, but a real man must know the difference. Bottom-line, he shows he's a man! His actions will either make her feel secure in the relationship, or leave her questioning him on some "Are you sleeping with someone else?" Sounds familiar? A real man will leave his ego with his friends, and know that above all else, his wife is not his enemy but his partner and best friend. It is all in his actions. If he should stray, she will know because we are always watching! But to a real man, this is not a concern because he is always on point.

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