Lessons Learned

I'm living in darkness
My daily life there's no sun
Maybe it is because I allowed you back in my life
For you were the one

Who damaged me so
Now I sit and wonder
And I just don't know
My ardent nature may never know
How it feels, once again, to be loved
I gave that all up
I pushed
I shoved

Locked my true love out of my heart
Returned to you while believing you:
"A fresh start"
Wasn't that what you said?
I replay those lies
My heart palpitates
I thought I was feeling love
Nervousness about the change
Didn't realize my intuition was feeling dread

Subliminally trying to make me stop
Keep me from making a lifelong mistake
I cry
I cuss
My sanity now is at stake

I walk down an aisle
See the tulips, they're my fav
Can't remember why I am here
Every step closer
I'm scared
But act brave

The more I get near
I realize
All I had, I gave
Then I gaze upon my beautiful former self in the grave

Minimal worries in the world
Smile for everyone I met
That once was me
Until I came across you
You live to beset
Chaos follows you
Longest relationship filled with regret

I see that 17-year old with a wide smile
Bruise-less
Not the me in the mirror
Wrinkles and gray-haired
Caused by stress
While you sit there telling yourself you are blameless

Wrong choices created tears
I guess the blame is really on me
Should have let your actions tell the story
Because your words were never brought forth truthfully

So now I face, this face
The old me is gone
Wide-eyed, wide smile I once had
I ignored the signs even when they were dead-on

The new me
The woman in me
Must be stronger
Stand taller
Punch harder
Be smarter
Than the former me ever was
For she can't fail any longer

Must do as strong does
Be unbreakable
Slightly sensitive but not teary-eyed
Ready for the unthinkable
Because a dude like you should have never been able
To make life for me so painful

Never again will I fall
Listen only to my mind
Not my heart
Because it is truly the smartest of us all

Written by Kesh
February 9, 2014
revised April 30, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

A Man and His Word

Sometimes I vent
Sometimes I cry
My outlet is my computer
My words
They never lie
I trust those more than any man's reply
As they deny
And I sigh
Honesty in them
I never rely
They never comply
Lies just multiply
Their actions only signify
My need to enduringly say "Goodbye!"

Written by Kesh
February 8, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

And So It Will Be Done

I toss and I turn
Happiness from the sunshine to the pain of sunburn
My life
Filled with lessons unlearned
Promises to myself unkept
When will I learn?

I knew the truth for all the signs were there
Passive aggressive
How can life be so unfair?

So now I let loose pouring my heart out on screen
Typing with a fierceness
Never witnessed
Unseen
"Kesh, you've changed"
"How could you be so mean?"
Where was this concern when you were torturing me?
Guillotine

Piercing my spine
Stabbing my back
From the fealty you lack
Now I catch flack

"You should have known!"
"Are you surprised?"
Well, yes I am!
Shi*t, you held up a semi-permanent disguise

I patiently waited and thought you were done playing games
But true to form YOU emerged again
Now YOU remain the same

So where does that leave me?
Regret-filled and upset
Part of me still waiting for some sign that you neglect

TO GIVE ME

The decency
A real man would just have his slut bucket and let me be

But like a clown
You took your heart away but stick around
All the while bringing me down

Single in the streets
Married when it suits you
Like when you were broken down
Betrayed by your mom
Let down

Couldn't find a job after selling pizza
Big thumbs down

While I hustled every day on the streets of midtown
You were lowdown

Sucking tits from babes packing dildos to your moms house
Pie crust under her nails
Two plats under her weave filled with dust

Now you floss on the phone
"You got that good good," as you say
Creepmode Creek
Snake Street
Giving any broad stroking that ego the time of day

MAS effect
But I know you best as ADOG
Confused lil' boy from the hood playing leapfrog
No friends back then
Shy
Shadow-scared
Sheepdog
Scared to look twice
Strike first
Underdog

Now you the man
Who are you convincing them or you
That you finally can?
Telling everyone you made it happen
Nigga you drove a van!
Lovey dovey
Played me lovely
That was always your plan
Using my dream to brainwash your clan

"She always wanted to move"
"She wanted to leave"
Since when did you ever do what I wished
'Oh Noble Steed'

This suited you most
You had piss but no pot
Now this dude has it all
While I sit and rot

In a proverbial hell
2-bedroom jail for rent but no bail
Kesh is overdrawn
Now her sanity is up for sale

The weakest one of the bunch
'Game well played,' you prevail

THIS TIME

For he who finds a wife receives favor
You prosper only because of me
Once again you have the advantage
You're in the lead
Grand Prix

I lag behind
Gasping to make it through
Sputtering and lagging
I will have to make do

And when the game is over we will once again see
You fall
Downtrodden
Watch you turn to thee

Kicking that ole willy bobo
"I love my wife"
"I want my fam"
While your girlfriend of our entire marriage
Continuously
Reaps the benefits of the 'fun guy'
Trips on the sea

She can have ya though
Hershey kissed stains, once a week showering and all
YOU
A1 sauce, sugar daddy eared
YOU
Deed doing
YOU
Wanting sluts to get abortions while they're pregnant by
YOU
Still married at the time
Living with your mom
That's YOU
Sporting an expensive car thanks to me
That's YOU
Dummy you'd never be able to ride if you did all you were supposed to
Y'all can thank me later
But that's YOU
Feminine attitude having YOU
Twitter confessing YOU
Get mad when you even think I pulled a you on you
That's YOU
Always leaned on a woman
YOU
The one I gave up my everything for
YOU
The you who will cease to exist when my tears are finally avenged for, YOU
No more blessings for the undeserving
Self-proclaimed, single YOU
Karma will justly claim you when I'm gone
That will be YOU

Written by Kesh
February 8, 2014

(c) 2014 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Image source: footage.shuttershock.com

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It lives in every word I write
Every phrase I use
My muse
It forms a life of its own
My story is home grown
Reproduced and rhymed
Melancholy in tone
And yet...
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(c) 2013 NixRises All Rights Reserved

Image Source: Silent of Tears - EnglishClub